Green, green, green.

This post is not about money, or jealousy. Today’s highlights just happened to include green.

For lunch, I made a salad comprised of almost of entirely green vegetables; iceberg lettuce, cucumber, green bell pepper, and asparagus. I threw some cherry tomatoes in for good measure, and then threw them out upon tasting — they were awful! They did not taste juicy and sweet like they should. They were bland and had a strange flavor that reminded me of chemicals, or manure. Or both. Their detriment was easily remedied, however, by the addition of some shredded Colby and Monetery-Jack Cheese, topped with homemade balsamic vinaigrette!

Major yum! Especially when paired with two anytime cookies, drizzled in peanut butter…

For the remainder of the afternoon, I organized my room and urged the kids to do their summer reading, and also to play outside. Both efforts lasted about 15 minutes. I read, however, and also fussed with the appearance of my blog for countless hours.

It’s just never going to be perfect, is it?

Around 4:30, just as I was supposed to be preparing dinner, I dove into the project of updating my Dad’s picture bulletin for his office. I scoured our house for up-to-date pictures, but instead discovered countless documented memories. So many smiling faces. Such adorableness. Remembering my siblings as they were is both wonderful and distressing. How did they grow up so fast? How did I miss that moment, that face, that butt?! Why didn’t I squeeze it a few more times before he/she grew too old?

I saw a picture of myself in a bathing suit, at a time when I wasn’t plagued by my eating disorder. I still looked shy, self-conscious. And as I peered at my 13 year old self, all I could think was how fat. My grandfather is smiling, gathered with me and other family members in the ocean only a few years before his death, and all I can focus on is my stomach. My arms. Oh my god, my cheeks. I cannot remember a time when I had cheeks.

I see myself then, and I know myself now. Which would I truly prefer? Were my years of turmoil really worth the less than 10 pound difference? Do I really look that different? Am I still that fat? Of course, I have over the years learned to dress myself better, and I’ve learned how to apply make up. But underneath those layers remain my face, my body, and very vividly, my thoughts about each aspect of my outward appearance. Was I really happy then? I can’t remember. Those memories have been stripped by the negative thoughts and their all-consuming consequences. And I can’t remember, I can’t remember… Where was my mind during those hazy years? I can’t get it back, that time. That time in my life was crucial, and it shaped me into who I am today. And I don’t know if I’d want it back. I really don’t. For better or for worse.

Tangents and questions. Questions and tangents. Suffice it to say that I’m still working on the bulletin, and that I still really need to find some up-to-date pictures. I’m thinking of doing a mix between then and now, as I couldn’t just set aside the pictures that made me smile so much, that will no doubt provoke warm and fuzzy recollections for my Dad as well.

I served dinner for me and the kids around 5:00, and by 8:00 I was craving something sweet. Something hot. Jay drove us to Burlap and Bean, my favorite local coffee shop, but they were unfortunately closed. So I had to settle on Starbucks — not a problem! Except for the steep price that the switch from whole to soy milk provided. I ordered a soy caramel macchiato, and was delighted by both the taste and the fact that my nails matched my cup! I got my nails and eyebrows (strictly necessity) done yesterday, and chose Essie’s Pretty Edgy. It was different. It was green. And it matched my coffee cup perfectly.

I was a pretty happy gem.

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8 Comments

Filed under bubbaloo, ed, recovery, salad

8 responses to “Green, green, green.

  1. Considering how long it's been since I've seen you, I remember that kid down the shore pretty well. Would love to see the picture you mentioned with Pop. I've enjoyed reading your blog but happen to do so at night when I'm hungry and it's much too late to eat. You're a good writer, stick with it. Glad to see you're doing well. Miss you! gillian (you know, your much older Midwestern cousin)

  2. I'll have to send you some pictures — there's a few of you in there! Haha I'm sorry you read when its late, I know the feeling. I'm both slightly embarrassed and pleasantly surprised to find that someone in my family reads my blog! And doesn't hate it! So thank you for the readership :)I saw your parents a few weeks ago, and even got a picture with your Dad! I hope you're doing well too, and I miss you quite the same. And of course I know who you are.

  3. aww, girlie, I completely understand your struggle with looking back on old pictures and judging yourself — but honestly, nobody else notices. i've struggled with anorexia, and i have felt the same disgust, the same life-demolishing, confidince-killing thoughts. they're not worth it, and it IS possible to overcome such a horrible mindset. i wish you all the best of luck, my dear, and you salad looked quite yummy. i love starbucks, as well, but lately, dunkin donuts coffee has been my favorite!xx alexandra

  4. I am slowly reclaiming what it essentially me and my thoughts, and I do know somewhere know that those ED-thoughts aren't worth my time or energy. I'm so glad to hear a fellow recovery-minded person say that, though! it give me hope. Thank you. I visited your blog, and it's lovely! I will definitely be following from now on, though it may not register because you're on wordpress! ♥ Kaitlyn

  5. beckafly

    I feel you on looking back at old pictures. Often when I look at them I spend most of my time criticizing my looks rather than spotting anything good. However, I can look at the pictures of myself during my ED and realize how unhealthy I looked. Part of gaining a healthy image of myself came from seeing the realistics and learning to love myself as I am. It's hard and takes time, but I know someday I'll be able to look into the mirror no matter what and say "You look happy and great!"

  6. Bah, I so know the feeling. Sometimes I just go through pictures of me on Facebook from a year (and 50 pounds) ago, and go "Aslkhfsd WHY DID THEY LET ME WALK AROUND LIKE THAT?"And the sad part was- I wasn't even happy with how I looked. I'm beginning I'm never really going to like it…so I might as well be a healthy hater.I know that wasn't very inspiring and peppy, but I know you'd see through the fake. I do miss being able to have people's trust, doing physical activity, and having friends. And thinking about other things than food- although I bet a part of that pertains to food blogging. No matter what, I think you're gorgeous Kaitlyn. ED or not. And uh, what always helps me- Do you ever really want to see Ollie again? D:

  7. Becka – your perspective is so rational, so mature, and so very unlike ed's voice. It's refreshing to hear. I'm still very far from finding peace with my body, but I would like to believe that one day I'll see what others see, what my family and my boyfriend see. I'm sure it must get old for them, and especially my boyfriend, who has to endure all of the self-depreciating comments I make about my body! What helps me right now is remembering everything I'm capable of now; things I couldn't fathom doing a mere 10 months ago.

  8. Katie – you're right. If I ever see Ollie again, I'll probably steal her trench coat and hide behind it, out of sheer terror. You're also right because even when I was at my sickest, lowest weight, I would look at myself in despair because I not only felt so shitty, but also because the body before me was still never enough.Trust, friends, and the allowance of physical activity are all things that can be regained in time. (It's like weight, right? Gotta gain it back). It takes a lot of honesty. A lot of thorough, honest-to-God honestly to rebuild those bridges that ED tore down. But it can be done. I've seen glimmers of it. And that trust, or that friend, or that walk-they are all very much worth the effort. And thank you for the compliment. You're quite lovely yourself 😉

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