This post is not about money, or jealousy. Today’s highlights just happened to include green.
For lunch, I made a salad comprised of almost of entirely green vegetables; iceberg lettuce, cucumber, green bell pepper, and asparagus. I threw some cherry tomatoes in for good measure, and then threw them out upon tasting — they were awful! They did not taste juicy and sweet like they should. They were bland and had a strange flavor that reminded me of chemicals, or manure. Or both. Their detriment was easily remedied, however, by the addition of some shredded Colby and Monetery-Jack Cheese, topped with homemade balsamic vinaigrette!
Major yum! Especially when paired with two anytime cookies, drizzled in peanut butter…
For the remainder of the afternoon, I organized my room and urged the kids to do their summer reading, and also to play outside. Both efforts lasted about 15 minutes. I read, however, and also fussed with the appearance of my blog for countless hours.
It’s just never going to be perfect, is it?
Around 4:30, just as I was supposed to be preparing dinner, I dove into the project of updating my Dad’s picture bulletin for his office. I scoured our house for up-to-date pictures, but instead discovered countless documented memories. So many smiling faces. Such adorableness. Remembering my siblings as they were is both wonderful and distressing. How did they grow up so fast? How did I miss that moment, that face, that butt?! Why didn’t I squeeze it a few more times before he/she grew too old?
I saw a picture of myself in a bathing suit, at a time when I wasn’t plagued by my eating disorder. I still looked shy, self-conscious. And as I peered at my 13 year old self, all I could think was how fat. My grandfather is smiling, gathered with me and other family members in the ocean only a few years before his death, and all I can focus on is my stomach. My arms. Oh my god, my cheeks. I cannot remember a time when I had cheeks.
I see myself then, and I know myself now. Which would I truly prefer? Were my years of turmoil really worth the less than 10 pound difference? Do I really look that different? Am I still that fat? Of course, I have over the years learned to dress myself better, and I’ve learned how to apply make up. But underneath those layers remain my face, my body, and very vividly, my thoughts about each aspect of my outward appearance. Was I really happy then? I can’t remember. Those memories have been stripped by the negative thoughts and their all-consuming consequences. And I can’t remember, I can’t remember… Where was my mind during those hazy years? I can’t get it back, that time. That time in my life was crucial, and it shaped me into who I am today. And I don’t know if I’d want it back. I really don’t. For better or for worse.
Tangents and questions. Questions and tangents. Suffice it to say that I’m still working on the bulletin, and that I still really need to find some up-to-date pictures. I’m thinking of doing a mix between then and now, as I couldn’t just set aside the pictures that made me smile so much, that will no doubt provoke warm and fuzzy recollections for my Dad as well.
I served dinner for me and the kids around 5:00, and by 8:00 I was craving something sweet. Something hot. Jay drove us to Burlap and Bean, my favorite local coffee shop, but they were unfortunately closed. So I had to settle on Starbucks — not a problem! Except for the steep price that the switch from whole to soy milk provided. I ordered a soy caramel macchiato, and was delighted by both the taste and the fact that my nails matched my cup! I got my nails and eyebrows (strictly necessity) done yesterday, and chose Essie’s Pretty Edgy. It was different. It was green. And it matched my coffee cup perfectly.
I was a pretty happy gem.