Punk Rock Princess.

Ever since Katie tagged me the other day, I’ve been thinking a lot about which seven facts I wanted to share about myself. What would mean the most? What are the most essential things about me? Wait — who am I?

Who I am is a big question, and it’s not something I take lightly. The facts I’ve chosen to share are very important aspects of my life, and they’re geared mostly towards the things I love, the people that make me happy, and the relationships that I feel define my person at this point in my life.

1. I am technically the second oldest sibling out of five. I say technically because I have a twin sister who is older than me by two minutes. Did I mention that we’re identical? And yes, I know, we don’t look identical. But it really has more to do with this:

than it has to do with our appearance. Keep in mind, also, the wonderful technologies that provide my sister with a. her fake bake, b. her blonde hair, and c. her fashion sense.

I love my siblings and my family so much. They mean the world to me. Even after an eight hour shift, I would much rather scratch my little sister’s back before she goes to bed than selfishly pass out asleep. It’s those moments that I won’t get back, or that won’t even be plausible in years to come. My siblings bring me so much happiness, and I hope they know how much I love them. Yes, even you, Megan, in all your tanned and blonde-haired glory.

2. I have a wonderful boyfriend. His name is Jay, though I often refer to him as Bubbaloo. He has supported me, loved me, and cared for me throughout one of the most difficult times of my life.

He helps me grow stronger and become a better person every. single. day. When you open yourself up to someone and expose your vulnerabilities, or accept all faults regardless of what they may bring, you learn to love. I would’ve never made it through the months following inpatient without his support, without his warm, ever-present shoulder to lean on. He has given up too much for me, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. And I hope he knows that my shoulder is always here, nevermind my impatience or often flighty responses. It is always here, I am always here. And no, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

3. I am in recovery from an eating disorder. The diagnosis has changed and warped throughout the past 10 years, but what matters now is that I am recovering. It’s taken me a long time to get where I am today. At the very least, my treatment has included three bouts of day treatment, three inpatient stays, and countless hours of therapy/outpatient programs.

I don’t believe that I could’ve genuinely accepted recovery any sooner than I did. I believe that I had to get to a place of wanting for myself, and not for anyone else, better health, productivity, and happiness. I learned long ago that my eating disorder would only result in shame, pain, and frustration. But that knowledge wasn’t cemented in my brain, or it simply didn’t matter enough to me until last November, after I was hospitalized for low potassium. I had to seriously mature and grow to discover that this wasn’t what I wanted:

Gross? Awful? Embarrassing? I remember being so terrified, and so out of my mind numb from all the abuse I’d put my body through. I honestly never could have imagined getting to where I am today, but I’m so happy that I have, and that my eating disorder isn’t my life anymore.

4. My mother also suffers from an eating disorder. I watched her, from a young age, vomit into trash cans. I was also there when she had to get an iv for low potassium, several years before I’d even developed an eating disorder. She also suffers from borderline personality disorder and alcoholism, and these aspects of her, in addition to her eating disorder, have greatly severed our relationship. Up until last month, we hadn’t been in contact for eight months. This was my choice, because in order to choose recovery and potentially succeed in my efforts, I knew I would have to break off our toxic relationship and relearn what is real, true, and right in terms of family. I love my mother dearly, and I hope that one day we can reach a point where there is less tension between us. But I now know that my sanity and my safety come first, and that I have to choose me -not her- from now on.

5. I love music, so much. When I was really into my eating disorder, I pretty much forgot about music, forgot about how wonderful it could be. With the help of Jay, and some itunes gift cards, however, I have rediscovered music and have also discovered some great bands. On my rotation you’ll usually find The Everybodyfields, The Avett Brothers, The Tallest Man on Earth, Bon Iver, Brand New, and a slew of other artists. I also have a thing for Katy Perry. I don’t know why, but “Firework” makes me cry. Every time I hear it.

I played piano for about four years. And I was actually really good. Again, my eating disorder took away all of my concentration/life, etc., and I haven’t played for a long time now. The piano feels awkward beneath my fingers, and that in itself makes it unbearable for me try to play. To go from a Sonata to The Little Farmer? I just can’t. Not right now, anyway.

6. I’ve been blogging for about five years, and I’ve been writing for about nine. I started off really geeky, writing Harry Potter fanfiction when I was eleven. I really enjoyed it, though, and it gave me an outlet to express myself. I soon moved on to myspace, and then livejournal, and then tumblr, and then blogger…you get the picture.

For some reason, it’s always been very important for me to have an audience. I feel like I have more purpose when I know that someone is, or that someone could/might be reading. It’s hard for me to write for myself, and I’m not sure why that is, because I get a lot of satisfaction out of writing and finishing a piece. My writing is something I definitely want to continue working on and improving. I am an English major, after all.

7. I really enjoy art and photography. I took a lot of art classes in high school and also some in college. I wanted to minor in art, but unfortunately the college that I transferred to doesn’t have an art program! I was so disappointed when I found out. Even so, I hope it’s something I can start working on outside of school. It does take a lot to motivate me sometimes, but when I get started on something, I really do enjoy it. Now if only I could find the proper space…

Film, 2009.

Charcoal, 2008.

And now that you know so much about me, I’ll also let you know that I’m super nervous about starting school tomorrow! I have work right after my classes end, so I’ll be going from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. Nervous. Scared. Not really excited. Not yet, at least.

Summer, despite being boring, was so incredibly relaxing and I’m very thankful that I had that time to myself. I know that with school and work will come stress and more stress, and I’m afraid that I’ll revert to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I know that I’ve been doing really good lately, and that I should take it one day at a time. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am in a much better place than I was this time last year, and that things will be different. A new school, a new job. Support in terms of Bubbaloo and my therapist. I have so much more than I had last year, so much more to look forward to. My life is in my hands now, and I need to keep it there.

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6 Comments

Filed under bubbaloo, ed, recovery

6 responses to “Punk Rock Princess.

  1. Wow, this was intense. But a good intense. All your writing and art is beautiful. You're so talented in ways of creativity- it's amazing.Why risk relapse when you have so much to offer?You're so strong. And beautiful. I hope you realize that.

  2. recoveringfree

    Your even more amazing to me now Kaitlyn! :)And school is AWESOME! Enjoy it because it sucks when it's taken away :)<3

  3. thank you, loves. it means a lot to me. ♥

  4. Oh, get better! I hope you live a long, successful life and don’t pass ED on to your future daughter. You can do it! Don’t relapse, reclaim your life! I’m praying for you. 🙂

  5. Speaking of writing, you are really good! Even just writing about yourself here, your words flow and your syntax is excellent! I definitely think you have huge potential in that regard, much less huge potential in life! You’re very inspiring, and I’ve only read a few of your posts — because I just found your blog! Thank you for commenting on mine!

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