Two Months.

Yesterday marked my second month of being completely symptom free since February. Although I did have one bad day, right after the first month, I’ve decided to count that first month because it was a huge stepping stone for me. It deserves to count, and I need to acknowledge that one bad day out of sixty-two shouldn’t negate an entire thirty days…does that make sense?

Even though yesterday marked a positive change in my life, it actually kind of sucked. School was fine, but my thoughts were not. I was so distraught over having a snack before lunch, and for a majority of the afternoon thoughts played in my head like a broken record. Should I eat lunch when I get home if I have a snack? Should I take a nap? What should I eat? Am I really hungry? Is that healthy? I feel so fat. I am so fat. The girls in my dance class are thinner than me, I should cut out sugar from my diet, I really don’t need dessert, I am so full so full so full. After eating lunch, I felt so full and overwhelmed that I thought about purging. And I seriously considered it. But I didn’t do it, I didn’t purge. And I still felt like shit. I felt full, and overwhelmed. I felt unproductive and useless and stressed and extremely ugly (in part due to a massive blemish on my chin!) And it just didn’t seem fair. It really didn’t.

I don’t know what exactly caused me to have such negative feelings yesterday. I’m guessing that psychologically, I kind of miss my eating disorder, and the numbness that came with it. If I’d engaged in my ED yesterday, I wouldn’t have felt those emotions so intensely. In fact, I would’ve been so exhausted from ED and would’ve slept the entire day. Would that have been better? Honestly, no. I know it wouldn’t have been better. I also think that yesterday’s self-loathing stemmed from an inherent believe I have of myself, one that greatly contributed to my eating disorder. My eating disorder first reared it’s head in sixth grade, the year I went to middle school, and the year that all of my elementary school friends essentially ditched me. I remember that being so painful, and I remember from then on being so insecure and afraid that nobody liked me. I turned inward, I became very shy. I inherently believed, and still do believe, that I am destined to be friendless. I cannot remember a time when I felt secure in my friendships. Sure, I had maybe five friends throughout high school, but they were few and far between, and the weren’t the kind of friends that would call me, or that I felt could count on. They would not include me in things outside of school, simply because they didn’t think of me. And that really, really hurt. I was that forgettable.

I messaged a few friends on Facebook the other day, all of which I haven’t spoken to in months, in the hopes that I could resume contact/friendship with them. And when they didn’t respond, it’s been almost a week now, the sixth-grader in me reappeared and I felt, but didn’t really acknowledge, just how much it hurt. I told myself they were busy, that they had other things to do. And then I saw the recent activity on their feeds and realized that they seemingly simply did not/do not care to respond. This may not be their intention, this may not be the case at all. Maybe they do plan to respond, maybe I am wrong and apprehensive and judgmental.  In the meantime, however, I just feel the emotions that were so completely numbed by my eating disorder. And it hurts, to feel forgettable. Maintaining friendships is something I have always had trouble with. I’ve just never felt that sureness, that security. It’s always too much effort to put myself out there, and there is no guarantee that anyone will respond. There is no guarantee that it will be worth it in the end. So why try?

Yesterday did turn around when Jay came over. He listened to me, reassured me. He made me feel loved. And I noticed today that one of the friends I messaged actually did get back to me. And it feels so nice. I feel like I maybe I’m not that much of a crazy, emotional mess after all. I can feel already that today has the potential to be better, even though it won’t be perfect. It doesn’t have to be. Life without my eating disorder, while definitely better, will still come with bad days. I can accept this. Or at least I’ll try.

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4 Comments

Filed under bubbaloo, ed, recovery

4 responses to “Two Months.

  1. Sara

    Hi kaitlyn it’s me again
    First of all congrats on two months! A major accomplishment, you have come so far! I’m sorry that you don’t feel as good as you should.I don’t know one person in recovery that hasn’t felt that way at some point, so I hope that you acknowledge that it’s a big part of this big, scary but amazing and exciting process of self-awareness and growth. I especially can relate because I know what it’s like to be involved in a sport that emphasizes body type and a lean physique, and that includes skin tight apparel -_-(dance is a sport right? it’s definitely an art, I think it should be a sport too!) it seems like everyone else is skinny and you’re not allowed to be. but I guess we have to understand that our relationship with food is different than everyone else’s. more complicated. also, I bet some of those girls aren’t as healthy as they should be. they might be trapped int their own prison of food and calories and that is something I do not envy. Also, did you know that almost all girls overestimate their body shape by about 20%? 🙂
    I’m sorry about the middle school friendship drama too. Mine came later but I know what that’s like. It doesn’t help when you’re already feeling pretty bad about yourself. Girls can be so cruel. The one thing that girls like us who have been through things can do better than most is be able to relate to people and know how to treat others. My therapist said girls with eating disorders are the most sensitive and aware people she knows. We just numbed out most feelings because most of the time, they brought us pain. You didn’t deserve any of that and I am sure you are a great friend and so many people love and care about you. Don’t forget it!
    ~sara
    oh and I am gonna friend you on facebook in a minute! I am from west chester but I go to school in north carolina haha. this is so cool!
    oh and I don’t really have a lot of pictures from when I was really bad other than one sr year album bc even I knew I didn’t look good and I wanted to start college fresh without people knowing. I don’t know why I’m saying this but I guess I feel like if people look at me now they’ll be like, there’s no way she was ever anorexic she was never thin enough :/ idk I guess it’s something I still struggle with.

  2. Thank you! And yes, dance is certainly a sport 🙂 I had no idea about that 20% statistic. Crazy! I can’t believe you live so close! Haha we even have some mutual friends. And please, don’t for one minute think that I might judge you based on your current size. I constantly make comparisons about myself as well, so I understand, and I sometimes even think that I “failed” at my eating disorder because I wasn’t that small. In reality, I was very sick, and that thought process is entirely eating disordered. Anyone who promotes their “sick” body is not well. Not that you’re doing that at all, I’ve just seen people who do.

    I think you look beautiful as you are. I’ve seen so many different shapes and sizes in terms of eating disorder patients. I don’t think I could rule out anyone from ever suffering from ED. And those that do judge others based on their size either have their own issues, are uneducated, or they’re just plain rude. It’s normal to struggle. I do. I know a lot of other people who do. It shows that you’re pushing through 🙂

  3. Kathryn Jacobsen

    Kaitlyn,

    I don’t know if you remember me but we were at the ‘frew together, 2 years ago. I just wanted to say I love your blog. You should be so proud of your accomplishments and your strength. Congratulations. I hope you are going to school for something to do with writing since this seems to be your calling. Thanks for the entertaining reading and giving those of us who also struggle some hope that there really is something better with recovery. Can’t wait to read more.

    Katy Jacobsen

  4. Of course I remember you! Haha you were the one who caught me screaming and crying into the phone on my last day there because one of the aids was being a complete insensitive b*tch. Oh, lord.

    I’m so glad you like my blog! That makes me really happy. And although I do find recovery much better than the alternative, it definitely comes with struggles. I can’t tell you how much crap I had to go through to get where I am. Kind of like ‘frew x 10. I hope you’re treating yourself with kindness. You deserve to. And even if you aren’t, there’s still time. You still can.
    Thanks again for reading! I’m wishing you well 🙂

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