An aside.

Have you ever had a really rough day? A day when you feel like your chest has been ripped open, driven over repeatedly by a school bus, and then been stapled sloppily back together? Today is one of those days. A blow to my ego, right between the urge to cry and throw up. I won’t go there, but the weak part of me wants to.

I am not here to focus on the sadness, or the pain. But sometimes I can’t escape it. The bitterness of many years of grief, and insecurity, and sheer mortification have leveled to the surface today. I will hold my head high. I will work harder. I will be better, if not now, then tomorrow.

The last of a nut butter jar. More greek yogurt. More muffins. I don’t think I’ll be able to eat the latter two tomorrow, but if I had more almond butter, I would probably finish the jar. Again.

Plain Chobani, honey, apple bran muffin, and homemade almond butter. Gone. Consumed at both breakfast, snack, and dinner. With a side of foliage and fall weather! As in, gorgeous sunlight and no humidity. Thank God.

Empty, in less than four days. The jar was only half-full, mind you. And it’s contents were irresistible.

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7 Comments

Filed under nut butter

7 responses to “An aside.

  1. Bubs

    I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. You had a really tough day but you kept everything together and held your head high. You know who you are and how awesome you are at being you. Thats cheesy, but it’s true. You’re the boss of ED and today is a prime example. You’re so amazing to me and every time I think of you that St. Josephs line pops into my head. I will be here for you, my love. I love you very much. Gotta make more almond butter this weekend!

  2. But I don’t have anymore almonds! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Thank you, Bubs. I love you.

  3. recoveringfree

    What happened lovey? =(

    • My dance teacher separated our class into two groups: the more advanced group, and the regular group. I was in the regular group, which is in my mind, means lesser. And considering I have 10+ years of various dance classes under my belt, I was really upset. I just felt very stupid and upset and angry all at once. One, because it made me feel inferior, two, because I honestly know that I can do the moves with the “more advanced” group, and three, because I experienced all the feelings of inadequacy and shame that greatly contributed to my eating disorder. It was just very upsetting, and I wrote my professor an email. Her response didn’t make me feel any better. I just felt even more ridiculous and silly after reading it. I even talked to my parents about how to handle the situation and I’m just dreading Tuesday, which is when I’ll have that class again. Right now, it just feels like a big mess, and I don’t want to feel inadequate or embarrassed anymore. It sucks.

  4. Sara

    aw Kaitlyn ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I’m sorry that this happened to you. I know exactly how you felt. I’ll never forget how one silly comment put me headfirst into a box of double stuffed oreos (half gone in 5 minutes), followed by 4 pop tarts topped with whipped cream, followed by…well I don’t need to go on, I’ve actually tried to forget about everything that happened that day/night.
    first of all, understand you are NOT a failure, you are not bad for not controlling your binge, you are not undeserving of happiness, and you did not just undo all of the progress you made, your efforts have not been in vain. I hope you already know this. one little bump in the road does not undo months of positive thinking and fruitful efforts. so don’t fret!
    And you didn’t purge! You probably wanted to, badly. but you didn’t. and that is something to be so proud of and should show you how far you’ve come. an incident that may have sent you straight to the bathroom before, you were now able to have power over. and that is wonderful
    I know we try not to talk about weight/calories, but if it’s a weight gain you’re worried about, don’t sweat it. we know it takes 3500 calories to gain or lose a pound. 3500 calories in top of what your body already needs to function. our stomachs have trouble even holding that amount, much less double it, so it’s highly unlikely you even gained 2 pounds. and any weight you may have gained is only a temporary fluid shift anyway.
    so all you can do is learn from it. find out what your trigger and how to better handle it next time. were you upset, stressed, angry, hurt? did you just like the taste? had you been starving all day? the more you can do to understand your triggers, the higher the probability you will be able to prevent it next time.
    so tomorrow don’t restrict calorie intake. it may seem like the logical thing to do, but if you do it will be that much harder to get back into a normal cycle of eating. your body will scream, what are you doing to me?!?!?! (experience haha) think positive thoughts and think about all the nourishing healthy food you will feed your body with. and drink plenty of water/any fluids you like, it helps, a lot ๐Ÿ™‚
    I wish you the best of luck with today and the rest of your journey. I know how difficult it is, but I also know what life is like on the other side and therefore I want everyone who went through what I did to be able to reach it. And while I don’t know how close you are (can we even quantify recovery?) if you’re not there already you’re so close. Just don’t give up โค

    • Sara, your suggestions are wonderful! But I’m happy to say that I actually didn’t binge today. Haven’t in over two months! And I totally understand how you interpreted my post that way; it wasn’t very clear at all. But I really didn’t binge on almond butter! Or muffins, or yogurt. It’s just been my go to meal this week, and because of that, I ran out of almond butter!

      However, there was a definite point in my day, a trigger of sorts, when I wanted to feel numb, even a point when I thought about purging. And it wasn’t because of food at all, it was because of how I felt. In short, five girls in my dance class were chosen to do more advanced ballet work, and I wasn’t. And I was really hurt/upset by it because I’ve been dancing for a long time. I felt really inadequate, not good enough, angry, etc, etc. And all of those feelings form the foundation of my eating disorder. They are at the root of my self destruction, and it was very hard to comprehend. Something didn’t go my way, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t numb the feelings out with symptom use, so instead they washed over me with full force. I also just felt very alone because of it. I really don’t have any friends at school and I felt like I had no one to talk to.

      But the day got better, thanks to the understanding and concern of my boyfriend, family, and the wonderful bloggers here. Thank you so much for all your kind words. ♥

  5. Sara

    oh my gosh I’m silly, now that I’ve re-read it I realized you didn’t binge at all! haha you didn’t eat nearly enough for that to be a binge. Looks like I need to learn how to read more carefully I’m sorry!

    I am really sorry about your feelings of inadequacy and and pain. I know what it’s like when they manifest themselves and take over. It feels like you try so hard and still aren’t good enough. It happens to me a lot in swimming, especially when I don’t drop time. And then you think, well what can I do to feel good about myself again? or sometimes, how can I block this out? It’s a destructive cycle.

    I am glad your day got better though, and that you’ve found better ways to deal with the bad feelings. hopefully when you’re with your boyfriend you are reminded of how amazing you really are. and even though you weren’t in the advanced group, you got a chance to shine in the regular group, and I bet you were awesome. you like dancing right, so don’t let this silly grouping ruin it for you. it probably meant nothing and I bet your teacher didn’t put as much thought into the groups as you think.
    anyway I’m sorry that you feel like you have no one to talk to. that reminds me of myself basically all of senior year. I know I’m just some weird girl from the internet but if you ever need someone to talk to, we are facebook friends you can always shoot me a message.
    sweet dreams and I hope tomorrow is full of new opportunities and new beginnings!

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