The craziness has finally subsided. Finals are over, and I just finished a 5-day work week. The week of finals was definitely rough for me. I felt the pressure of so many things building up, and boiling inside me. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped or expected to when I started this semester, but I’m finished. It’s over, it’s done. I can breathe now.
In the past few weeks, I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder more than usual. During finals week, I was in quite a fog, and I purged on the day of my last final. I’d run out of my medication, and felt really strange and not really there. I was in my body, but my brain wasn’t.
I haven’t used symptoms since then, but feeling full has been really difficult to get through. I feel full, fat and disgusting as I write this. It’s just something that doesn’t seem to go away. I am always full, or burping a lot, or enjoying a spicy case of heartburn. You never think it will be this hard when you pick up the spoon, and swallow.
One thing my therapist pointed out was that I used symptoms during a time of stress, when I wasn’t blogging. I haven’t been accountable to myself, or to this place. I thought I would be fine without my daily fix, you know, the fix that keeps me sane. And I really haven’t been. I’ve been eating sh!t, and feeling the exact same way. Basically, I need to come back here and stay. Basically, I need to write, and eat good food. Those things that keep me sane.
I’ll be back tomorrow with a (hopefully) more inspired post.