World outside just goes, and goes, and goes…

The craziness has finally subsided. Finals are over, and I just finished a 5-day work week. The week of finals was definitely rough for me. I felt the pressure of so many things building up, and boiling inside me. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped or expected to when I started this semester, but I’m finished. It’s over, it’s done. I can breathe now.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder more than usual. During finals week, I was in quite a fog, and I purged on the day of my last final. I’d run out of my medication, and felt really strange and not really there. I was in my body, but my brain wasn’t.

I haven’t used symptoms since then, but feeling full has been really difficult to get through. I feel full, fat and disgusting as I write this. It’s just something that doesn’t seem to go away. I am always full, or burping a lot, or enjoying a spicy case of heartburn. You never think it will be this hard when you pick up the spoon, and swallow.

One thing my therapist pointed out was that I used symptoms during a time of stress, when I wasn’t blogging. I haven’t been accountable to myself, or to this place. I thought I would be fine without my daily fix, you know, the fix that keeps me sane. And I really haven’t been. I’ve been eating sh!t, and feeling the exact same way.¬†Basically, I need to come back here and stay. Basically, I need to write, and eat good food. Those things that keep me sane.

I’ll be back tomorrow with a (hopefully) more inspired post.



Filed under ed, recovery

4 responses to “World outside just goes, and goes, and goes…

  1. recoveringfree

    Thanks for your email. I still feel like I want to attempt things on my own for a bit, but I’m going home tonight so a week of rest away from my triggers (besides me family of course) will hopefully be very Zen. I’m sorry you had a tough week =( Just restart each day. I try to do that because I can’t give up after I mess up one day, I still keep living and therefore still keep trying =)

    Got any good recipes for me to try?

    • Keep trying, Ellie. You’ll get there. I know you will. I hope the time with your family is as stress free as possible!

      I haven’t been very creative in the kitchen lately, but I did make chocolate covered strawberries! And a kick ass salad dressing comprised of equal parts of olive oil & apple cider vinegar, maple syrup, dijon mustard, and salt & pepper. I can’t take credit though, I found the recipe online!

  2. Huge hugs. Try and rest, beautiful one. Your body and you deserve it.

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