Beautiful day.

Did anyone else take advantage of the gorgeous weather today? Jay and I went for a walk at Ridley Creek and had a wonderful time. The sun provided some much needed vitamin D. We got lost at one point, sitting by the creek, staring into the distance. It was really a beautiful day.

Our walk was a much needed stress reliever for me as well, because I’ve been having a rough/insanely busy couple of days. Yesterday I had a meeting for work at 6 a.m., and I’d stayed up until 2 a.m. working on a project. Three hours of sleep simply does not cut it! I found myself worrying and stressing about the project and not getting enough sleep even before the day started.

Being so busy is difficult for me. I don’t feel like I have time to breathe sometimes, and I can tell that the stress has been affecting my thoughts towards food. I’ve been reading about a lot of different diets and I’ve allowed some not-so-good thoughts to permeate my brain. Carbs are bad! Gluten is the root of all evil! Sugar will kill me! Dear Primalism, I like bread. I like it a lot. It’s not fair for me to deprive myself when, by most measures, I’m quite healthy. Sometimes I get down for not eating enough fruits and vegetables, but I try. I really do, and sometimes that should just be enough.

I know that exhaustion has been affecting my rationality, because I’ve endured two instances in the past two days in which I unequivocally thought and felt that I had binged. Yes, I ate more than I’m usually comfortable with. But it was not, on either occasion, an unreasonable amount. It’s crazy and infuriating to me that after months of eating normally, I can still experience the no-bars-held terror and agony that comes with feeling over-full. I complained for a good five minutes over the phone to Jay about how horrible I felt, how I just “wanted to die.”  It’s crazy. Absolutely crazy.

While I’m proud of myself for working through the feelings and not purging, it was still unnerving to experience such strong urges. I know that I am strong, but I am not always prepared to fight. I am so grateful that I didn’t have to work today, that I could pick Kara up from school and grab lunch with Jay and enjoy the outdoors. I really needed it. To relax, to slow down and simply breathe is so simple, but without a doubt necessary.


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Filed under bubbaloo, ed, recovery

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